The Death of Joy
Philosophers and psychologists often muse that happiness is man’s chief aim, purpose and goal in life.
I prefer to go deeper, wider and further than this assumption.
I believe that joy is man’s chief aim, purpose and goal in life.
Because, the truth of the matter is - happiness is generally contingent upon life going according to our hopes and expectations.
But it rarely does, doesn’t it?
Joy is much more than happiness. Joy can be felt during the most challenging seasons of our lives. In fact, this is where many people discover the beauty of joy - when they least expect to experience it.
I believe that joy and discontent are mutually exclusive entities. In other words - you cannot have the one when you have the other. Where there is joy, all discontent is eliminated. Where there is discontent, joy is elusive and it evaporates before we can even grasp onto it.
Conversely: Where there is joy, it will lead the way to contentment. Where there is contentment, it will inevitably spill over into joy.
It’s quite a chicken and egg situation - we don’t always know which one appeared first, but we do know that the one flows into the other until it’s an amalgamated stream of contentment and joy.
I know this sounds far-fetched to attain and I can understand that if you’ve never experienced either joy or contentment, that it may seem like a vain notion to even aim at attaining these inner experiences.
Let’s perhaps start from the other way around - let’s have a look at one of the main things that chase away joy and contentment:
Comparison.
The joy-stealer:
‘Comparison is the death of joy.’, Mark Twain wisely muttered several decades ago.
It still rings true. Perhaps even more so now than ever before.
We have never been bombarded to this extent by what other people are doing, achieving, enjoying and loving in their lives than we are with the torrent of social media exposure we find ourselves entrenched in daily. (Unless you’re wise enough to completely avoid social media - kudos)
It has been shown by research that there is a direct correlation between the amount of time spent scrolling on social media and the depressive-like effect it induces on the brain. In other words - the more time you spend on social media, the more it can lead to depressive-like emotions and thoughts.
I’m sure you can relate with this correlation and have experienced it for yourself, perhaps.
I firmly believe the reason for this is not that we are seeing more cute videos of puppies and bunnies, with a negative resulting effect. No, that can’t be. I firmly believe that in-between the cute reels, informative content and entertaining videos, we’re also seeing other people’s lives and subconsciously comparing ourselves to them. It’s what the brain is hardwired to do on a social-neurological level, especially if you’re not in a place of contentment with who you are, where you are and what you have.
We are in effect ‘comparing our behind-the-scenes with their highlight reel’.
Discontentment will only amplify the effects of comparison.
As you know - it’s very easy to put your best image out there and to indicate to the world that you ‘have it all’ and ‘have it all together’ when things are actually not okay behind closed doors. In fact, I’ve found that it’s often people who hustle hard to let the world out there think their lives are picture perfect, that often have deep hurts and major struggles. The persona they put out there is a superficial attempt to feel better, albeit for a moment and concurrent with every like they receive.
Why is it so harmful to compare?
Comparing is by its very nature a self-destructive mindset that can only lead you down one of two pathways:
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Pathway 1: Comparing yourself with someone else and deeming them as better, more advanced, prettier, smarter, having what you want/desire or all of the above. This deduction will make you feel inferior, insecure and as if you just don’t measure up (based on the measuring stick you’ve applied).
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Pathway 2: Comparing yourself with someone else and deeming yourself as better, more advanced, prettier, smarter, having what they want/desire or all of the above. This deduction will make you feel prideful, haughty and elevated (based on the measuring stick you’ve applied).
So, as you can see - either way we go with comparison, the end result is soul-destroying and is unable by its very nature to lead you to contentment, humility and gratitude. There can never be a balanced conclusion that leads to a healthy mindset when you compare yourself to others.
Expectation management:
I think a crucial step to move away from comparison is to focus rather on expectation management - especially the expectations you place upon yourself and your life.
It’s an unbearable burden to live under the pressure of unrealistic and unmet expectations that we’ve laid out for our own lives. It’s often imposed upon us by external influencing factors (parents, social media, partner, boss, etc.), but more often than not we make subconscious and conscious decisions about the expectations we have for our lives.
Does this mean we shouldn’t be hopeful and that we shouldn’t aim for a beautiful, fulfilling life? By no means.
I just think that it’s often necessary to recalibrate our internal expectations and align them with reality and the current context of our lives.
Very basic example: I love traveling. It evokes immense excitement and just the prospect of traveling often gets my blood pumping. A large contributing factor to this is my enneagram type (Type 7), which often finds more joy in the anticipation of an event than the event itself. This is something I had to work really hard on, because if there isn’t a major, exciting life event or trip lying ahead of me, I would often resort to discontentment.
Two years ago I went on a memorable trip to Europe with my husband and his family. I won’t bore you with the details, but it was simply breathtaking. I remember during this trip that I often would go into a quiet place within myself and take in the view, saying to God that even if I had all of this, but I didn’t have contentment with myself, with Him and with my life, it would still have been empty. Yes, it would have been beautiful, but deep inside I would have still felt a nagging discontent.
Having that which I’ve always hoped to have actually made me realise that external aims, achievements, excitements and milestones can never infuse contentment within us. Sure, it can edify us and make our lives feel special for a moment, but these are fleeting emotions and can never sustain us over the long run in our aim to experience joy.
I came back from the trip, filled with gratitude and travel stories, but filled on a deeper level with an understanding that you can have all the things on your wishlist, but if you don’t have a deep contentment within yourself, you will consistently keep on chasing whatever you think will offer you the contentment you’ve been created to experience.
Besides still waters:
I’ve had to learn the simplicity and the necessity of contentment during one of the hardest seasons I’ve ever endured.
I learned that surrender is one of the first steps towards it.
Following that I grasped onto gratitude - for what I had, not only once I attained that which I thought I needed.
Next up was a realignment of expectations of what I thought my life should be like and look like.
After that I comprehended how essential it was to have grace for myself, especially on the days when I didn’t feel contentment or joy. It’s also okay. They will elude you often, but the more you strive to have it and punish yourself for not having it, the more elusive they become.
I had to settle down with the Scripture that ‘He is no respecter of persons’ (Acts 10:34) - His goodness, grace and provision is over me, just as it spills over everyone around me. His goodness takes on a unique form in each person’s life - may we have eyes to see it in our own lives, instead of merely glancing at the goodness that they have.
I felt prompted to make a mindful decision to lie down in the green pastures of His love that He has prepared for me in Christ. Accepting His love. Maturing in it. Living from it. Loving others because of it.
Psalm 23:2-3 “He offers a resting place for me in his luxurious love. His tracks take me to an oasis of peace, the quiet brook of bliss… that’s where he restores and revives my life.”
All of the above formed part of my road towards contentment and joy.
It might look different for you, but all I want to implore is that you seek it and make it your greatest aim. That you liberate yourself from the prison of comparison.
Because, the beauty is - all your other aims will fade in comparison to the joy of contentment once you’ve settled down in its lush green pastures.
Side note:
I have zoomed in on this one aspect that impacts joy and contentment - if you’re keen to explore other factors that influence joy and contentment, please pop me an email and I’ll dive a bit deeper into this in future posts (or perhaps even an eBook, if it’s merited).
